So I left off last time with my dad greeting me on Christmas morning with, "I'm going home tomorrow." I asked him how he was going to get there. I had not bought him a roundtrip airline ticket. His plans and ours were up in the air, so we decided to play it by ear. I knew for sure that we would be driving back to Houston on December 31st to take our daughter to the airport. She was going on a school trip and flying from there. He announced that he was going home on the bus. He had not liked going through all the security for his flight up here. After running myself ragged making a lovely stay for him, I thought he could at least have said, "Merry Christmas" and then "I'm going home tomorrow." But that's just the way he is. But it did upset me and hurt my feelings....I do tend to take things personally. I was also a little concerned about his safety since he can't see very well.
So we called some other relatives and they all thought it was a great idea. We looked everything up online, bought his ticket and found someone to pick him up at the bus station the next day. It was going to be an interesting experience for him. We enjoyed the rest of the day opening gifts and having dinner with other friends and family. I was, however, a little disappointed that after staying up until 3:30 the night before to finish preparing the new photo album with all the family photos from his house, I was told that he didn't want it now. It just made him too emotional and he was not prepared to deal with that yet. While I was disappointed and tired, I could certainly understand that and am happy to keep it for him until he is ready.
Saturday morning we all headed downtown to take my dad to the bus station. We arrived early and waited in line for him, so he could get a good seat up front. Once we saw him safely onto the bus, stocked with a banana and Gatorade, we headed out. I have to admit that while I enjoyed loving on and taking care of him for 10 days, I was also glad to have a little bit of alone time with our younger daughter. She had not been able to come and be part of "Operation Clean Sweep" earlier in the month, so I had not seen her in quite a while.
Guess what......about 2 hours later Dad called from his cell phone. After departing late because the bus needed repairs, the new, good bus had now broken down. They were stranded about an hour south of Dallas. According to my father, the bus driver had no means of communication. But a 2nd bus came along and picked up his bus driver and drove off. My father had to ask other passengers, because he could not see well enough to know exactly what was happening. They were hoping that their driver could convince the other bus to come back and pick them up.
Meanwhile I began calling the folks in Houston to inform them of the problem and delayed arrival. I was about to head out and go pick my dad up and bring him back to our house. Sure enough he called again and he and his luggage were safely on the new bus headed down to Houston. This was not an express bus and would make multiple stops, but who cared by then. About 6 hours later my father called and was safely home in Houston. I could breathe a sigh of relief.
Since then my dad has asked me to look for discount airfares, so he could fly back up here. I guess one bus ride was enough for him. He has also been back up here for a quick weekend trip. One of his friends had to drive to Dallas on business and my dad tagged along with him to see us. So I guess that first trip here for Christmas was not so bad after all. I know I should not have taken his early departure after Christmas so personally. I have been told that once a senior makes up his mind to leave, there's no stopping him. They plow forward...full steam ahead.
If this sounds vaugely familiar or similar to something you are experiencing with someone you love, please allow us to help. Take a look at our webiste at www.hereforyouhomecare.com or call us at 214-389-9401. We offer personal assistance, companion care, homemaking services and respite care at your convenience.
Thank you for reading/listening. Next time I will write about our trip to Houston where we visited my old home, freshly painted and readied for sale and I saw my mother's grave for the first time.
Until then,
Jan
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
First Christmas without my mother!
The holidays were rapidly approaching and I did not want my dad to be alone. After all, my mother had just passed away in October and he was still grieving. That was the time he needed to be surrounded by loving and caring family members. I had invited him to come back with us several times from our many recent trips to Houston, but he just was not ready yet. This time I was going to put my foot down and arrange for him to be here at least for Christmas. So when all the major airlines started advertising their "special deals", I quickly snapped up a ticket for him to fly up here on December 16th....the last day of the super cheap fares.
Now keep in mind that I had arranged for that flight back in early November when the sales were happening. In the meantime, we had only arrived back from Houston on December 13th, after our whirlwind cleaning out his house extravaganza. I'm not quite sure what my father's idea of emptying a house was, but apparently it was not the same as ours. We painstakingly went through each item in the house and had to make a decision about its disposition. Should we keep it, donate it, recycle it.....take it to my father, save it for posterity? These were all extremely tough decisions, but ones we were forced to make on the spot and without delay.
My dad was not prepared to do this and did not provide us with much guidance. Besides already moving most of his prized possessions, he only told us of a few additional items he wanted. Obviously we disposed of some things that later on my father thought of and wanted. But we did the best we could under the circumstances. I knew that when he first saw his emptied house, he would be upset. But I was not prepared for his incredibly strong and emotional response. To us an empty house meant just that, an empty house. I guess to him it meant shuffling a few things around. So needless to say he was very angry with me after seeing the house on December 14th, 2 days before his scheduled arrival here in Dallas.
Now I know that people tend to take things out on the ones they love. We know that we can treat them badly and they will still love us...still be there when the dust settles. But after the phenomenal time, energy, sweat and tears we spent cleaning out that house, I began growing weary of being blamed instead of thanked. If professionals had emptied the house it would have cost thousands of dollars and everything would have been thrown away. While we did it for free and I saved boxes and boxes and boxes of treasures that I will eventually have time to go through.
So back to the point....my dad's arrival here on December 16th. He was still angry with me and honestly I had grown angry with him....tempered by my empathy with his emotional struggle and grieving. I was prepared to start fresh and avoid discussion of his house. I had reminded him of things to bring well in advance of his trip, but he is not organized and of course waited until the last minute to pack. He brought things he did not need and forgot things he did....more on that later.
Dad had not flown in a few years and was annoyed with all the security measures....removing shoes and belt, but arrived on time and in good shape. We met him inside, helped him with his luggage and whisked him away to our home. Problem #1... he was cold. I cranked the heater up as high as I could stand it. But let's face it.....old people taking blood thinners get cold. And younger people hustling and bustling around cooking and working stay warmer. So I wrapped him in blankets and seated him by the fire.
Chris and I had to work, but we kept him entertained most of the time. We went home to take him lunch and set him up with the TV and his favorite shows for Thursday and Friday. We took him to a party on Thursday night, a progressive dinner and he had a great time. On Friday night we took him to a show he enjoyed. Saturday it was off to the Nasher Sculpture Center (he loves architecture) and the Arts District. That night we went out to dinner with relatives and drove by the beautiful lights out in Plano. Sunday evening our younger daughter arrived home for Christmas, where she too could spend some quality time with Gaggy (their made up name for their grandfather.)
This is starting to drone on a bit.....I better speed things up. My dad went to the Cooper Clinic to have a nutrional evaluation. He turned 88 in January, but plans to live until he is at least 100. He had lunch with some old Dallas friends, had lessons on his new Kindle (a gift from all of us) and spent lots of quality time with us. One of the highlights was a night I found an old letter online that had been written by his great grandmother. I read that to him for about an hour. What a treat for him and me. Problem #2 as well as a lowlight......he failed to bring enough of his medicines. I was able to arrange for a friend of his to pick them up and overnight them to him up here. My take on that....he did it to "punish me" for clearing out his house. I know that sounds crazy, but I have a degree in psychology and that's what I think he did subconsciously.
We had not made definitive plans for his return to Houston. There were several possibilities, but we wanted to "play it by ear." We knew for sure that we would be able to drive him back to Houston on December 31st. Our daughter was flying out of Houston for a school trip and we would be taking her down there then. But I woke up on Christmas morning (after staying up until 3AM finishing baking and wrapping) and said "Good morning and Merry Christmas" only to be greeted by my father saying, "I'm going home tomorrow."
I'll save that lovely story for my next blog. But here's a hint....it upset me and hurt my feelings. But I can take comfort in knowing that I did everything humanly possible to make my father happy and to provide him with a special and non lonely Christmas, his first alone. Please visit our website @www.hereforyouhomecare.com or call our office at 214-389-9401 if your loved one lives in the greater Dallas area and we could provide a compassionate caregiver to support their independence and dignity while staying in the comfort of their own home. Next time....the rest of my father's stay and our return trip to Houston.
To be continued......Jan
Now keep in mind that I had arranged for that flight back in early November when the sales were happening. In the meantime, we had only arrived back from Houston on December 13th, after our whirlwind cleaning out his house extravaganza. I'm not quite sure what my father's idea of emptying a house was, but apparently it was not the same as ours. We painstakingly went through each item in the house and had to make a decision about its disposition. Should we keep it, donate it, recycle it.....take it to my father, save it for posterity? These were all extremely tough decisions, but ones we were forced to make on the spot and without delay.
My dad was not prepared to do this and did not provide us with much guidance. Besides already moving most of his prized possessions, he only told us of a few additional items he wanted. Obviously we disposed of some things that later on my father thought of and wanted. But we did the best we could under the circumstances. I knew that when he first saw his emptied house, he would be upset. But I was not prepared for his incredibly strong and emotional response. To us an empty house meant just that, an empty house. I guess to him it meant shuffling a few things around. So needless to say he was very angry with me after seeing the house on December 14th, 2 days before his scheduled arrival here in Dallas.
Now I know that people tend to take things out on the ones they love. We know that we can treat them badly and they will still love us...still be there when the dust settles. But after the phenomenal time, energy, sweat and tears we spent cleaning out that house, I began growing weary of being blamed instead of thanked. If professionals had emptied the house it would have cost thousands of dollars and everything would have been thrown away. While we did it for free and I saved boxes and boxes and boxes of treasures that I will eventually have time to go through.
So back to the point....my dad's arrival here on December 16th. He was still angry with me and honestly I had grown angry with him....tempered by my empathy with his emotional struggle and grieving. I was prepared to start fresh and avoid discussion of his house. I had reminded him of things to bring well in advance of his trip, but he is not organized and of course waited until the last minute to pack. He brought things he did not need and forgot things he did....more on that later.
Dad had not flown in a few years and was annoyed with all the security measures....removing shoes and belt, but arrived on time and in good shape. We met him inside, helped him with his luggage and whisked him away to our home. Problem #1... he was cold. I cranked the heater up as high as I could stand it. But let's face it.....old people taking blood thinners get cold. And younger people hustling and bustling around cooking and working stay warmer. So I wrapped him in blankets and seated him by the fire.
Chris and I had to work, but we kept him entertained most of the time. We went home to take him lunch and set him up with the TV and his favorite shows for Thursday and Friday. We took him to a party on Thursday night, a progressive dinner and he had a great time. On Friday night we took him to a show he enjoyed. Saturday it was off to the Nasher Sculpture Center (he loves architecture) and the Arts District. That night we went out to dinner with relatives and drove by the beautiful lights out in Plano. Sunday evening our younger daughter arrived home for Christmas, where she too could spend some quality time with Gaggy (their made up name for their grandfather.)
This is starting to drone on a bit.....I better speed things up. My dad went to the Cooper Clinic to have a nutrional evaluation. He turned 88 in January, but plans to live until he is at least 100. He had lunch with some old Dallas friends, had lessons on his new Kindle (a gift from all of us) and spent lots of quality time with us. One of the highlights was a night I found an old letter online that had been written by his great grandmother. I read that to him for about an hour. What a treat for him and me. Problem #2 as well as a lowlight......he failed to bring enough of his medicines. I was able to arrange for a friend of his to pick them up and overnight them to him up here. My take on that....he did it to "punish me" for clearing out his house. I know that sounds crazy, but I have a degree in psychology and that's what I think he did subconsciously.
We had not made definitive plans for his return to Houston. There were several possibilities, but we wanted to "play it by ear." We knew for sure that we would be able to drive him back to Houston on December 31st. Our daughter was flying out of Houston for a school trip and we would be taking her down there then. But I woke up on Christmas morning (after staying up until 3AM finishing baking and wrapping) and said "Good morning and Merry Christmas" only to be greeted by my father saying, "I'm going home tomorrow."
I'll save that lovely story for my next blog. But here's a hint....it upset me and hurt my feelings. But I can take comfort in knowing that I did everything humanly possible to make my father happy and to provide him with a special and non lonely Christmas, his first alone. Please visit our website @www.hereforyouhomecare.com or call our office at 214-389-9401 if your loved one lives in the greater Dallas area and we could provide a compassionate caregiver to support their independence and dignity while staying in the comfort of their own home. Next time....the rest of my father's stay and our return trip to Houston.
To be continued......Jan
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